for these seeds to give birth to life, first they must die.

"I'd let him sit in MY living room!"

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 07:15:40 GMT

sooo. I saw jason castro yesterday.
and I guess the cool thing to do is to write up your experience on your livejournal. and so, that is what this is.

first off, I was on the street team. there were only 3 of us who worked the show. one of the girls was my good friend michelle, who I've known for yearssss due to going to camp forever.

(oblig "me and my friend, wooo" picture. also, see those BA nametags? yeah, I made those. the ones they sent me were completely in comic sans. seriously.)
the other girl was julie, who, from our e-mail exchanges, sounded like she'd be 13-17 years old due to an overuse of emoticons and an awful lot of flailing. turns out she was at least 55 and was making her kids and grandkids come.
this is a picture of all of us with jason, taken by his manager. since he was apparently twitpicing a ton of pictures that day.

yeah. there you go.

we were told to get there before soundcheck (between 3-4 pm) and I was expecting a couple more people to show up and have to debrief with what we'd be doing so we decided to meet in the food court at 1. turns out this was the only stop jason didn't soundcheck at. so we sat in the food court for five hours. five. hours. listening to an old woman talk about how perfect jason castro's face is and when she got her hands on a calendar, what months were now going to be her favorite months ever. in one picture, he's sitting on a couch and she turned around and said, "I'd let him sit in my living room!!" there was also a couple middle-aged women who came in and asked us if we were castrocopia members and a middle-aged woman with green hair who seemed pretty awesome until she took out an entire binder she had filled with jason pictures, two cameras, a manila envelope with his name on it and a ton of stuff she wanted him to sign. CRAY CRAY.

and apparently if you're a jason castro fan and not over 35, you are under 16. I swear to god there were only ten people in that crowd in the 18-34 year old age range.

as for the actual performance itself, it was good. jason sounded great. he peformed "that's what I'm here for," "somewhere over the rainbow," "hallelujah," "let's just fall in love again" and "love uncompromised." there were a ton of little kids and they kept shouting "I LOVE YOU" in between songs and he kept telling them that he loved them back. and that he meant it every time, haha.

so I was an idiot and forgot to bring cash and don't know the pin to my debit card so I wasn't able to get anything. so he just signed a bookmark for me. and I also forgot to put a battery in my fisheye film camera and since it had 200 speed film in it and I had to take shots at 800 iso to get not blurry shots the chances of my picture coming out with him are pretty slim.

also, I don't even remember what he said to me. we had to be last (since we asked everyone in line to join his mailing list) and he looked pretty ready to go so all I really did was get a picture with the street team, get a picture with just me and him that failed and apologized a ton to jason because I forgot I was going to call asia (eyes_sowide) and have him talk to her and make her night until right before my turn was over. I don't even remember if he said anything to me aside from "that's a cool looking camera!" when he saw my fisheye after the group picture. and "sure!" when I asked if he could sign my measly bookmark. I donno. and I don't really remember what he said to asia at all. so asia comment and fill us all in.

but then I turned around and realized green hair lady was going through the line a second time and a creepy looking guy in a pink shirt had also snuck in behind the line cut-off. so. I felt better for wasting thirty more seconds of his time.

somebody actually twitpic'd green hair lady the first time she went through the line:

she seems cool, with her extremely-signed guitar. and with her green hair you can't see here. but not so much, turns out.

and here are the pictures. they all look the same but it's kind of hard to do get varied shots when you're zoomed in all the way on your kit lens. so....

and that's really it. basically I was excitedbored and amused and slightly scared but still had a great time and gained more respect for this man after seeing firsthand some of the people he has to deal with. and he talked to asia and made her night amazing, and that was extremely nice of him.

I don't even fight for what I love.

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:00:58 GMT

I hurt people I care about and it bothers me for months.

and yet I just act as if I don’t need people anymore.

people are going to make mistakes. I am going to say things I don’t mean and it seems as if I’m getting slightly better about all of that and yet the best thing I could possibly do to reverse the cycle is talk about it.

the thing that would help me the most is forgiveness. and yet I won’t ask for it because I’m pretty sure by now I’d just get a door slammed in my face and roomful of people laughing at me.

…and why should I let that stop me from doing what is best for myself and others, again? oh, right. I don’t even fight for what I love.

but this really has to end soon because I am losing it. I am sick of being lonely. I am sick dominated by fear. and bullshit. I can’t take another day of being bullshit’s bitch. you know, my thought process just a minute ago was that I don’t deserve to have great friends. and that is a bunch of bullshit. I DO have great friends. there are two girls in longmont, a girl in chicago, a girl in new iberia, a girl in joplin, a newly engaged couple in denver, you people who are actually taking the time to read this, and more I know I am forgetting because I’m a bit distracted by angry contact lenses right now. there are amazing people in my life. and I am sick of letting myself believe all this crap.

oh, and most importantly: God is good. so there, self. you are never alone so why are you letting yourself feel lonely, again? ridiculous. things are going to change, I am already changing, hope comes with the morning. and I’ll find the words for closure and healing and the strength to speak them. finally.

goodnight, world.

hey LJ, long time, no update.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 19:11:44 GMT

remember lobby days? my mom didn't "trust" (read: "like") the girl I was going to go to with. so I wasn't allowed to even try and raise the money myself.

I am still job hunting. the rents keeps telling me I'm unmotivated and all this other crap. no I'm not. I'm just not motivated to do what they think I should do with my life--get a scholarship to a "real college" with the french horn and become some sort of teacher. all I really wanted to do this summer was go to DC for a whole three days and that idea quickly got the smackdown.

camp was interesting. I'm pretty sure it was my last year. oh well.

and it's really weird when you have friends getting married and you still haven't even gone out on a date. yeah.

since for the time being I have lots of time on my hands, I'm resurrecting toned_upload. if you ever want or need a workout, I got you covered.

I guess that's about it.

I don't post very often. sorry. I just have a few prayer requests.

Mon, 18 May 2009 07:42:13 GMT

if you’re one for praying, that is.

basically I seem to have the midas touch for messing up my own life right now. there’s my whole last semester GPA situation. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my parents and how I’m going to pay for next semester. I’m mostly worried that I’ll mess up again, though. please ask God to help me to manage my priorities and time so this stops being a problem. and pray for my search for God’s direction. if I had a major I would probably feel more focused—it would be worth doing papers and projects because they would be a step towards something.

also, I’m backsliding with addiction lately, probably as a stress coping mechanism. I need God’s strength with that, and I need to be honest with some people… again.

I also really want to go to lobby days with a friend. I would be paying for it myself, so normally there wouldn’t be any reason why I shouldn’t go, but my parents may be so ticked off that they make me spend a week with my grandma in texas during that time period or something. I’m not sure what they’ll do. and if I can go I will need some help funding it, seeing as it’s in a month. I could use all the help I could get so prayers regarding lobby days would be amazing as well.

thanks so much if you are praying. or even if you read through this tl;dr thing. it means a lot. :)

it's may. wow.

Sat, 02 May 2009 23:08:50 GMT

updates:

kateii (a friend of mine) and I are trying to raise funds to go to invisible children's lobby days. please pray that we can. hopefully before they change the price from 60 to 120 bucks for passes. I have the 60 dollars for a pass and could probably buy hers now too, I just don't know how to run it by my parents since they're really stressed out right now too. so... yeah. just pray for my family right now. it's a long story.

I hope you're all doing well. school ends on the 11th for me. so ready to be done and yet I so want more time. yeah. how is everyone?

yeah.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:17:23 GMT

I didn't do any of those things that I planned to do.

memo to self:

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.
--1 Corinthians 16:13-14

and
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

to do list for today

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 20:31:53 GMT

-clean up the corner of my room with the dresser in it.
-have some bible time. cause I need to.
-read for philosophy. I can't remember if the chapter 7 quiz is tomorrow or wednesday.
-read for lit. although we're just watching a 45 minute hamlet tomorrow so nothing is due. but it's a good idea.
-apologize. although it's probably too late (cue one republic song).
-go to scum. maybe. probably. church is a good idea.

A-Z. (procrastinating

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 19:31:39 GMT

I know this isn’t myspace and I x-posted this from my tumblr but I don’t care. so there.

A is for age: 19

B is for booze of choice: n/a. I don’t drink.

C is for career: lover/student without a major.

D is for your last dentist appointment: six months ago or so.

E is for essential items you use everyday: alarm clock, contact lenses, mascara, computer, ipod.

F is for favorite song at the moment: baptize my mind by jon foreman and not fair by lily allen.

G is for favorite games: tetris, spoons, catchphrase, sorry!, clue, war, speed.

H is for hometown: thornton, colorado.

I is for instruments you play: french horn. and I need to learn how to play my bass guitar already.

J is for Jam flavor on your PBJ: raspberry or apricot. or just honey. mmmm.

K is for kids you last saw: sierra and kateii. and I’m seeing them again tonight. wooo!!

L is for last kiss: never been kissed.

M is for fondest memory: my seventeenth birthday, when my friends painted my car and wrapped it and I walked out of school and was so shocked I dropped an f-bomb. hahaha. it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

N is for name of your crush: matthew gray gubler and rupert grint.

O is for overnight hospital stays: when I had pneumonia when I was four?

P is for phobias: spiders, losing people I love, becoming a nobody.

Q is for favorite quote: right now, it’s:

“Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken.”—Rich Mullins

and

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”—ephesians 5:1-2 (the message)

R is for biggest regrets: not thinking before speaking.

S is for status: and it’s also for single.

T is for time you wake up: monday through thursday: 6:15 am. friday through sunday: somewhere between 8 and 10 am.

U is for underwear type: normal?

V is for vegetable you love: celery and carrots and peas.

W is for worst habit: biting my nails, putting myself down, taking things personally/seriously, taking people and things for granted.

X is for x-rays you’ve had: dental. and one of my face after the accident.

Y is for yummy food you make: I like making rainbow cakes.

Z is for last Zoo visited: does seaworld in orlando count? I don’t go to the zoo very often.

ughhhhhhhhhh.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:09:28 GMT

sometimes I want to hit people over the head with billboards that have statements written on them in noen helvetica font because maybe then it might possibly sink in.

sometimes it’s better to be wrong when you’re right because chances are you were wrong before anyway and if you were to argue your complete and total innocence then that would probably be easily disputed and then it would just come down to the true matter at hand (which is an issue of timing) and then you’d have to explain how and when you actually did hurt people and how you’ve tried to change things and keep it in and let it out elsewhere but at the end of the day you’re still hurt and pissed and maybe it’s not worth it to make it about that when right now it’s not about that but what you do with it and healing only tends to come if you give up being partially right when you’re mostly wrong.

sometimes I want someone to hit me over the head with billboards that have statements written on them in noen helvetica font because maybe then it might possibly sink in.

I need to use this more.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 04:41:45 GMT

tumblr's kind of stolen my heart. so now I post about random nerdy things I love there. and I have a private one for other thoughts so I end up having nothing to talk about here.

Iso. nothing much is new. 've been going to scum of the earth church lately. that's been cool. actually liking church is cool. driving kind of far to go to it isn't, though. oh well.

life is a bit lame right now. people are complicated. I'm complicated. it's all complicated. and I tend to hurt the people I love most.

but it could be worse. I'm on spring break, for goodness sakes. I just hate spending it alone.

ohhhhh well.

I want stability

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 22:12:06 GMT

or something like it.

oh good morning, LJ.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:02:29 GMT

here's a picture of me I took last week. because people like pictures and I like this one, too.

yeah.

lou o' bedlam's stream keeps inspiring me. he's fantastic so if you are like me and enjoy looking at gorgeous portraits then check him out.

I'm dead tired right now. I had this crazy dream about twins and evil fairy-godmother like figures trying to control people and all sorts of stuff I can't remember.

also, if you order textbooks off half.com to save forty dollars or more off the bookstore prices and get expedited shipping then chances are they still won't get there for another week and a half. so order before classes start instead of being lame like me and getting the syllabuses first to make sure that I didn't need the online codes for extra studying resources (which I did for sociology so I just got that one new) and just to make sure I was getting the right edition and everything.

I'm going to grab some more coffee. listen to why? and annuals because they're good. and do have a lovely friday.

I wish that I could organize my thoughts

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:21:23 GMT

like some people organize their desks and their day planners and their agendas. I have three journals for three different types of thoughts but it always comes out as all three or nothing.

(this is really late, but) 2009 will be

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 20:10:57 GMT

less shutter priority, more manual.
water instead of diet coke, celery instead of fries.
working out just because I want to challenge myself.
searching for purpose and making plans.
handwritten optimism in place of typed venting.
creating my own places and images with long forgotten words.
long hair and fingernails that aren't short from stress.
days started with God and ended in praise.
communication involving faces and voices and time.
a GPA I won't oh so conveniently avoid talking about.
books in place of desktops.
picking dresses and skirts over jeans.
organization and time management.
loving what I do, doing what I love.
giving myself and others the respect that we deserve.
work it harder, make it better, do it faster (makes us stronger?)
finding a Jesus tribe of my own.
hope giving fear a smack down.
you knowing without a doubt that I love you.

sounds good to me.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:50:42 GMT

and both of his hands are equally skilled at ruining evil, equally skilled at judging the judges, equally skilled, administering justice, both of his hands. both of his hands are equally skilled at showing them mercy, equally skilled at loving the loveless, equally skilled, administering justice, equally skilled. both of his hands, both of his hands.

2008 is almost over!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:07:06 GMT

crazy.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. I don't update this nearly enough or read everyone's entries very often and I apologize. so if you happen to read this, tell me what you got for christmas, what your favorite holiday food is, something funny that happened with your family, whatever you want to share! please??

I got:

from my parents,

and eisley's marvelous things EP from my aunt, and

from my cousins.

sooo... I'm taking tons of pictures in 2009 :)
I also got some perfume (shania starlight set and lacoste's touch of spring from my sister) and a journal with a shiny peacock on it from my uncle.

I also finished (FINALLY) Jesus Wants to Save Christians and I highly recommend it to everyone. I need to re-read it and take notes next time.

that's all that's new with me. that, and I can't seem to access my grades online and I'm registering way too late for classes and I'm screwed and nervous about last semester's grades. yeah.

happy new year to all of you!

sometimes

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 23:40:22 GMT

I wonder if I'm the only person who doesn't believe in me.

I'm importing some of mom's jazz cds into my itunes.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:11:29 GMT

herbie hancock and stuff like that. she has a degree in music education and taught high school and had a great jazz band and so she knows every song. jazz is great but it sounds all the same to me.

I should be packing for thanksgiving in kansas city. there's no way I'm going to be able to fit all my hygene and homework stuff into one backpack. plus the ipod and point and shoot camera and chargers for everything. oh and I should be picking out clothes. off my floor. because I still am not using my dresser.

so I guess I'll just get to that and end this sorry excuse for a blog here.

have a happy thanksgiving.

my computer has died eight times today.

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:10:19 GMT

it's really ticking me off because I've done what the windows error reports thing tells me to do and it hasn't helped a bit.

I tried to take pictures of the sunset in all of its blue and pink glory tonight and couldn't get any decent shots.

I hate school.

this is the life.

lately.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:20:25 GMT

it snowed a little today. I don't want winter to be here. no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

blahhhh.

here's some pictures you've probably already seen on my myspace/facebook/flickr.

not a whole lot is going on with me.

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:13:20 GMT

if you have a tumblr, let's follow each other! cause it's addicting and I love it.

MUH TUMBLAH

this is a wonderful book. go rob bell.

my halloween costume:

that's about it.

bloodsucker pt. 1

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 05:45:23 GMT

unless you can part my ribs like the sea
and make stone beat, then there's no hope for me

unless the east never meets the west
unless you set my sin between your shoulderblades
and forget

part my ribs like the sea and change me
'cause stone doesn't beat
and rock hearts don't pump anything
but I've grown not to mind because at least
stone doesn't sling like blood
or spill like guts across the floor
where the bloodsuckers want more and more and more.

my hair's getting longer. cliche photo shoot time.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 02:28:40 GMT

sorry if this raped your friends list.

I love her.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:48:35 GMT

I don't know why. I just do.

politics are annoying. I can't wait for this election to be done with.

DEAR ECONOMY,

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:14:42 GMT

STOP FREAKING ME OUT. IT'S NOT COOL. NOT COOL AT ALL.